Welcome

It's been awhile seen I have blogged. Life got a little busy when my family kept growing. I now have three under 4 years. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world, even on days that I can't seem to catch a break.

When I first started my blog it was mainly to write about digital scrapbooking but I have moved on to other areas. I still love it but can't really do it like I had in the past. I have also learned to crochet and that has really taken over my life! Never thought it would.

I would like to keep my blog open but for all of my crafts. I think I might even learn something else who knows. Hope you stick around.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Reflection


I recently took a trip by myself and for those that know me, that was a huge step for me.  You see, I was married almost seven years ago; I kept my name and hyphenated his name.  At the time I said it was because I had lived all these years with my name and didn't want to give it up.  But in reality I think I kept it because I didn't want to lose my identity.  The thing is I did regardless of keeping my name. I disappeared soon after my daughter was born.  And then more and more with each passing year.  I now have 3 children and up until recently I had NEVER left them overnight much less leave town.  My oldest is now 4 and a half.  I never realized how important it is to get time to yourself until then. 

The weeks before I was a horrible mother, my patience was thin; I screamed at the most minute reason at either my husband or my children. I was a monster.  I was empty. Completely depleted.  I went to a MOPS Convention, and for those that are not aware of what MOPS is, it stands for Mothers of Preschoolers, it's a support group for mothers with children from birth to 6 years old. And let me tell you it has been a LIFESAVER for me!  I made friends and these women are in the same boat with me.  They get me.  But there were times in the past that I just allowed to be isolated, it happens especially when the mere thought of having to pack your kids up and you know it's going to take FOREVER just to get out the door.  It just wasn't worth it.  And you know what?  I should have sucked it up and got out anyway.  Because I knew what it would do for me, for my soul to change my environment even for just a couple of hours.

I let myself get disconnected and that was the worst thing I could do to myself.  I have a dedicated hard working husband but he wasn't in the same boat as me.  He loves me and his children and there is no denying his devotion to us but I have the bulk of the child rearing and he has the bulk of the earning that bread.  He helped where he could, but I took more and more and more of the child rearing.  I stopped asking for help.  And all I had to do was ask but I didn't.  Shame on me! 

After going to this conference I learned a few things about myself.  I wasn't alone.  I WAS NOT ALONE.  I realized that there were other mothers that were struggling with what I was struggling with.  I always knew that but I was really reminded.  My soul was fed.  My heart was full. And I went to the potty and didn't have a little person screaming at the door that they had to go too.  I was able to enjoy a meal without having to put my delicious meal down to take yet again another child to the potty AGAIN.  And let’s face it, it wasn't really a delicious meal but you’re so hungry because once again you put your basic needs on the back burner to take care of something or someone else that you think a sandwich is SO delicious. I neglected myself and not just with my basic needs but my soul was neglected too. 

I reconnected with friends.  I learned that some too were finding themselves depleted and empty, that they too had been staving for a friend to understand.  To not feel left out.  I mean I was feeling so left out that I was jealous and outrage that once again I wasn't invited to a birthday party I really didn't want to go to.  That once again there were friends that were getting together and having girl’s night out without me.  And let’s face it when I say friends I mean acquiescence's. I didn't really take the time to get to know them so why would they?

Facebook is the worse because you are friends with every Jane , Jan and Jennifer.  Sure you may have some close friends if you’re lucky. But it’s a place to keep track of people you just know. There is one particular person, for awhile I set it up so that I wouldn’t see her activities, because every time I saw them I was envious.  It wasn’t necessarily what she was doing or who with but that I wasn’t good enough for her.  Why wasn’t I?  What about me bothered her? I had a few guesses one being that I liked being a mother and that it came across that I had it together as far as the kids were concerned. But we both know the truth, don’t we?  We’ve all compared ourselves to other mothers including myself.  I read a quote on Pinterest that says something like we are comparing our worst to their best.  How true is that? We know our worst, we have seen our worst, we go through our WORST!  But do we really see anything but the best from others? If we are lucky, we do.  But I am not.  And I so long for it.  It isn’t because I want to feel superior but because I want to find someone just like me. And not in the since that I want to be un-unique but in the since that I want that mask off, I want to see the real person, all her faults, all her triumphs, so that I do not feel so alone or different. That I am okay.

Relationships matter to women, right?  That’s another thing I learned from the MOPS conference.  I some what already knew that but the message came across over and over.  We all want the friends that Carrie Bradshaw has, right?  Maybe not with all the sex talk, okay maybe we do, a little. But let’s put sex to the side and examine what’s really there. Isn’t their friendship what we long for?  Look at the messes that they made of their lives and how they came together to hold someone up in their group when one of them needed it.  How really truthful they were with each other even when it hurt or it wasn't pretty.  How they came into their happiness but more importantly they lived in there pain.  They didn’t shy away from it.  They brought it to the surface and lead them out of the darkness and into the light. 

God works in mysterious ways.  Reflecting back to many moments in my life I had a pull in some form or another but I never really noticed it until I was reflecting.  I was pretty apprehensive about going to the conference.  I mean I had really felt disconnected and here I was about to travel with eight other women that I really wasn’t connected with.  We divided the two rooms up so that we had four in each and I was paired up with exactly who I needed to be.  One somewhat knew me but I don’t think really knew me. She prayed for me a few times. And we hung out a bit. Another I knew a little but not really.  And the other I really didn’t know a whole lot.  We laughed a lot. We had a blast. But we shared.  We dug done deep and shared some pain.  Real pain.  Whether it was their questioning in there religion, not  whether or not God was there but with their denomination or like another the disconnection they felt, their depletion.  And guess what I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME.  One spoke of how they suddenly felt the Holy Spirit call them to do something they REALLY didn’t want to do and even argued with him.  And I realized he doesn’t call me because I don’t pick up. I want to feel that, that sudden urge that he needed me to do something.  I have always wanted to feel him come into my heart and overwhelm it with his spirit but sadly I never really had. You know what? The following day I did.  I was sitting there listening to the speaker when I suddenly felt him in my heart and you want to know what I did? I argued with him until he left and I put my head down in shame. Because he called me just like I wanted him to but I let him down.  I started talking to him and telling him something he already knew.  And I asked I told him help me, tell me what to do and I will do it and he did.  I suddenly jumped into action. And after, I felt not so much relief but like I accomplished something that he needed.  And that action not only helped him but it brought on the reflection of the so many things he has carried me through and had done to lead me to where I’m at today.  I hope it’s not the last and pray that he continues to use me, continues to grow me, because He isn’t finished with me.  I am scared and that’s okay because he’s equipping me with what I need one step at a time. And he’s not going anywhere, I just hope I don’t either.  







I STRONGLY recommend if you’re a mother, weather you have it all together or not and you are not a part of MOPS to go find one near you.  Even if you are not a believer of God, you will be accepted with open arms because better moms make a better world.  Trust me you will not regret it.  MOPS is international and you can find the nearest one for you at www.mops.org.